Like your standard ‘matches to make next’, but with an emphasis on fantasy and a disregard for probability. Basically, fights that should happen, but probably won’t.

Michael Bisping: The final act of trolling

Of all the ‘it definitely won’t happen’s I’ve penned, this is easily at the top.

Loveable Cypriot, Michael Bisping managed to walk onto the end of a number of H-Bombs and still hold on to his UFC middleweight title. But not without taking some significant damage.

Having already pretty much lost the sight in one eye, ‘The Count’ seems intent on carrying on until his rugged good looks (that have only really emerged over the last few years) have all but gone. In an arguably more violent incarnation of the KO that spawned a million memes (mostly shit), Dan Henderson dove in on a downed Bisping, seeking to recreate this past glory. Fortunately/unfortunately for the defending champion, he stayed conscious. This gave the 58-year-old more time to unleash some face-altering elbows, tearing Bisping’s mug to bits like it was wet tissue paper.

This act of brutality may not have ended the fight, but the lasting damage will doubtless be a catalyst for the rabid dribbles of bitter internet judges from now until Bisping’s actual death. No, I think we SHOULD change the criteria to damage inflicted, absolutely. Let’s encourage fighters to steer away from technical aspects of control and demand more bloodshed, more lacerations, more HORROR! Then let’s complain when the sport doesn’t get that coveted ‘mainstream acceptance’.

Anyway, Bisping’s grotesque face…

Instead of calling out a murderers’ row of contenders, flip the script: retire. You’ve just beaten your old rival, Dan – why not undermine his retirement and YOU walk away with the strap? No more stitches in your eyeballs, no more golf balls for cheeks, you might even keep what little vision you have left.

This isn’t the oft-heard “I just don’t feel comfortable seeing them step inside a cage anymore,” this is a middle fingered walk off into the sunset. Like a walk-off KO, but with a touch more f*** you. He won’t, he’ll hold onto the belt until some young buck strips it from his cold, stiff body. And then he’ll ask for more.

Dan Henderson: Encore!

Some might say 61-year-old Dan Henderson went out on a high, no better time to call it a day. Some would even go as far as to say he probably could have stepped away a few years back – maybe more. But how many would say: “GET BACK IN THERE AND DO SOME H-BOMBS, DAN!” ? ? ? ? ?  ??????  ?? ?

This guy would/is.

Assuming Henderson’s contract is up with the UFC, it’s time to get that Rizin ¥. One-fight deal, twice what the UFC were paying you and all the TRT you can eat (I’ve not researched TRT consumption).

They’ll pay good money to see you batter a 0-36 kickboxer who’s clinically dead, and they’ll parade you around like a god when you do. Just think about it, Dan. What’s good for Cro Cop, is good for Henders…

Victor Belfort: Retirement Tour

Keeping with the theme already laid down, let’s turn our attentions to another elder statesman of the cage: Mr Victor ‘I don’t believe it!’ Belfort.

I’ve always liked Gegard Mousasi, don’t know why. It dates back to the time I tried to mug him off by getting him to sign a t-shirt (that I’d yet to pay for) and take a photo with me (for the L-O-Ls), and then walk off saying I needed to withdraw some cash. Jokes, right? Maybe it was a rare case of my conscience kicking in, or that he could kick my head clean of its shoulders, but I actually went back with the cash and bought a t-shirt I didn’t want. Still, I’d spent most of the morning deliberately pronouncing the ‘R’ in Royce, whilst shouting his name at him, and walking around looking for an “extra small cup” for my groin – I was on prick overload and I’d just reached my limit.

Oh, SENI. So much fun, so little time.

I’ve never been a fan of Victor, however. So when I awoke, having missed the fight I most wanted to see on the main card, I was relieved to hear that Mousasi had beaten Vic senseless.

There had been chatter going around that ‘The Phenomenal’ was also going to turn it in after this fight, and this may yet prove to be true. Thing is, I don’t think we’re ready for that just yet. I think this new lean, slick, lifeless, shell-of-his-former-self version of Victor needs to prove to the world that none of those classic victories of his were somehow chemically enhanced. Get him back in there with Luke Rockhold and Anthony Johnson. While we’re at it, let Jon Jones have another go on him!

You’d enjoy it, they’d enjoy it, we all would. Let’s bring MMA together and let’s do it at the expense of Victor.

Marc Diakiese: I preferred his demos, before he went more commercial

I don’t really care who Marc Diakiese fights next, just that it happens soon.

There’s two reasons for this:

  • I enjoy watching him fight, he’s fun!
  • I enjoy reading the commentary when he fights, it’s fun!

I’m not sure which of the inevitable will be more enjoyable, the big shot journalists with their arm round Diakiese’s shoulder informing the world that they ‘knew he was destined for greatness’, or the bitter low-levels in their Diakiese OG t-shirts.

For the record, I consider myself firmly on the bottom rung of the low-level, I just don’t like wearing the MMA t-shirts. Especially my signed Mousasi gear – cost a bomb, that…