Like your standard ‘matches to make next’, but with an emphasis on fantasy and a disregard for probability. Basically, fights that should happen, but probably won’t.

Tyron Woodley: I don’t remember agreeing to this

It’s happened again, hasn’t it?

Over the next few weeks you’ll hear the number SEVEN a hell of a lot. It represents the number of times the belt has changed hands in 2016… so far. Stipe Miocic, Michael Bisping, Eddie Alvarez, Dominick Cruz, Miesha Tate, Amanda Nunes and now, Tyron Woodley – every one of these has won a UFC belt in 2016. One of them already lost it.

And that last fact is something Mr Woodley should keep in mind.

Despite only winning back the belt-he-never-lost in January, Dominick Cruz is already tied third place for current highest number of defences. With one. Miesha Tate didn’t even manage that solitary defence, towering over the bantamweight division for a mere four months. The belts are changing hands like currency, dirty, tainted currency, and Woodley would do well to keep this in mind before positioning himself as the don at 170lbs.

The new champ wasted little time in establishing himself as ruler supreme, already picking his own fights with one hand and dismissing credible challengers with the other. Michael Bisping getting his way may have set a dangerous precedent, one that’s now going to be hard to deny going forward.

If Woodley gets the Nick Diaz payday he’s after, we might as well just melt the belts down and wear the congealed golden mess as a fucking hat. With the idiot press championing his decision to ‘get that money’, I say: ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE!

Either get in there with Stephen Thompson, or step aside and forget about titles. The moneyweight belt is not an actual thing, you do know this, right?

Karolina Kowalkiewicz: the battle for alliteration

You better believe the above wasn’t a copy and paste job.

I’ve learnt to spell Karolina Kowalkiewicz, and for good reason. I knew I’d be typing that name over and over, seemed rude not to learn it. The same goes for Joanna Jedrzejczyk. During my glorious spell as ‘the guy that tweets during events’ for Cage Warriors, I had the great fortune to be cage side for her one (and only) performance in the CWFC cage. I was also fortunate enough to have decent wifi and the ability to cmd+c, cmd+v (yeah, I use a mac) that name when required. It was obvious then that we’d be hearing from Joanna again in the future, the same was obvious when Karolina stopped stacking up wins in KSW and made her way to the UFC.

So confident were we that Karolina would rise to recognition, we made her part of one of our baseless predictions at the start of 2016. Don’t believe me? Listen HERE for audio proof, or just read HERE and bow before your all-seeing, all-knowing overlords.

We also foretold the demise of the bantamweight division, the disappearance of Ronda Rousey, and the emergence of another European champion.

Anyway, KK vs. JJ next. Alliteration is alive and well in MMA.

Jake Ellenberger: congratulations on your stay of execution 🙂

Jake Ellenberger ducked the swinging axe of unemployment. This time.

No chopping, just sharpening, for it is coming – do not fool yourself into thinking otherwise. As is the case with the fickle axe of the UFC, a single win can often erase the memory of prolonged run of losses. Ellenberger just earned himself at least another go on the big stage. Probably more than one.

Somebody obviously whispered this in Ellenberger’s ear, as he stormed out of the gates like a man who was, I don’t know, fighting for his job? Charging at Matt Brown, ‘The Juggernaut’ kicked things off in the best way possible, dropping his opponent on his arse and leathering him on the ground. To his credit, Brown survived, tough eventually dropping once more to the inevitable kryptonite: a body shot.

So Jake Ellenberger lives to fight another day, probably two, but let’s not forget the glorious 1-5 run he put together before wasting Matt Brown. His time at the Bellator retirement home hasn’t been cancelled, merely rescheduled.

Losing to Tarec Saffiedine, Stephen Thompson, Kelvin Gastelum, Robbie Lawler, and Rory MacDonald is no disgrace, but it should have put an end to the idea of Ellenberger as a contender. With that said, expect the UFC to feed him to Demain Maia or some other absolute death sentence.

If this were two or three fights previous, I’d say a rematch with Carlos Condit was the way forward. As it stands, give him someone else who falters against the elite: Gunnar Nelson.

Wilson Reis: JUSTICE

TJ Grant, Josh Grispi, Wilson Reis.

If there’s any justice in MMA, Reis will get the title shot he was denied by an uncharacteristic pull-out from Demetrious Johnson. Sadly, there isn’t, and the winner of a reality television show will now jump over Reis and get the next shot at the flyweight crown.

The idiot MMA media that chastised Reis for not using his post-fisticuffs cage time to call bullshit on this move will also be the ones opining the travesty of justice when the Brazilian eventually loses a fight, and also his chance of ever getting that shot. A fighter shouldn’t need to publicly call his bosses out to get what he’s already, in their eyes, earned. As it stands, former UFC competitors Tim Elliot and Damacio Page have a more realistic chance of being the next challenger via The Ultimate Fighter.

The TUF 24 concept is sound, it just didn’t allow for the unlikely scenario of DJ getting injured. If Reis can wait, give him whoever holds the title when this all over. Demetrious Johnson, give him Demetrious Johnson.

Wait, let Reis fight between now and then, but freeze that deal; win or lose, Reis gets his crack at gold.

Just when you thought these dribbles were all a bit too realistic…