All the essential happenings from Sunday night’s Phoenix-based event…
Oleksiy Oliynyk Turns Out To Be Neutron Star
By securing his 10th Ezekiel choke win, Oleksiy Oliynyk added to his ridiculous resume of pressure based victories, which somehow includes four scarfhold wins. However, all’s well seemingly doesn’t end well as the Moscow-based athlete has in fact transpired to be an infinite mass of anti-matter masquerading as a Russian MMA fighter.
The cageside doctor assessed him for damage – as is customary following the end of a bout – only to realise that upon flashing a torch into his pupils, the light did not reflect back. When asked about the discovery, Dr Rahmadi of the Nevada State Athletic CommiSson stated he could see his torch light being absorbed by an incalculatable amount of atomic nuclei which would suggest the heavyweight fighter could furthermore be the beginning of a black hole. It was at this point he realised he was indeed looking into the centre a devastatingly powerful supernova. The Nevada State Athletic Commission have launched an investigation as to how this was not realised sooner because, typically, neutron stars destroy entire galaxies.
Speaking to The Sprawl, a State Commission representative declared “We are lucky in this instance that no one was harmed, other than his opponent Viktor Pesta who was rushed to hospital following the improbable submission defeat where he was pronounced ‘completely disappeared’ upon arrival.”
BJ Pennata Gets Smashed By Mexican Child In Latino Coming Of Age Celebration
Headline fights are usually reserved for two evenly matched combat athletes swapping equal blows and grappling exchanges in a bid for prizefighting glory. However, UFC Fight Night 103: Arizona was the first card in UFC history to demonstrate a complete shift of style for the headlining event.
As opposed to putting on an actual fight, new matchmaker, Sean Shelby decided to use the slot to host a celebratory display of Mexican culture, presumably as part of the new owners’ updated business model that looks set to directly target the nearest demographic to the event.
“Being so close to Mexico, we thought it was only appropriate to provide the indigenous Arizona-based Latino crowd a display celebrating our affinity for Mexican culture, this is why we organised a live piñata to come into the cage and get violently struck by a Mexican child until it fell down. We care deeply about our fanbase here at the UFC, even if it’s at the expense of our athletes.”
Joe Lauzon Transcends Mixed Martial Arts, Becomes Robin Hood
The co-main event saw the complete evolution of Joe Lauzon into what can only be assumed as his final form. Having spent an entire career putting on crowd-thrilling contests, and winning the hearts of everyone in the MMA community, he has decided he doesn’t want or even need victory anymore.
He was quick to give his win away, telling the crowd he believed Marcin Held deserved it more. Along with his record for most post-fight bonuses, Joe now sets a new record as the first man to transcend the judges’ decision and decide the outcome of his own fights.
“We brought in Friar Tuck for this camp knowing I have already taken so much away from Dana ‘The Sheriff of Nottingham’ White, and he had me working on giving some of it back. That’s why, having been awarded another W, I was able to hand it over to those in need, in this case, Marcin Held.”
